bombing:

cop: who the hell ordered all these pizzas

me: you said i got one phone call

emmysaurus:

taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up? in thirty minutes? in 2 hours? in 7 years?? no one can be sure

sodamnrelatable:

when one of your friends is sad just go to their house and do this

image

seedy:

it’s 2014 and body hair still does the thing where it grows back when u get rid of it??? wow get ur shit together science 

queenofflutterdash:

do u wanna build a ……………………….slime man 

kkristoff:

shovel-girl:

What the fuck did you think would happen ?

see how the hammer slowly turns toward the woman at the end? i think what happened is these two were arguing and the hammer got so mad it slammed itself against the wall and the woman is shocked because hammer has never gotten this angry before and hammer’s just like don’t fuck with me woman i will nail you

meladoodle:

i cant stop laughing this tweet is incredible

pureironimpala:

three word horror story: The beep test

carafrightley:

i havent taken a good selfie since 1935

elemeno-pee:

Lorde wins Best Rock Song and is understandably confused

meladoodle:

ladies laaaaadies, theres plenty of me to go around *detaches arm* thats for you Brenda

chevalierdog:

are you there god? it’s me……………………………………..slime man

dadfckr:

my mom uses ellipses at the end of all her texts so naturally i made this shortcut on her phone