tatehorror:

tatehorror:

Today my dad texted my mum (they have been divorced for 12 years) completely out of nowhere and said “hello miss cranky pants”

image

how to tell if someone likes you

1. they don’t

scorpiofruit:

*sees my son playing basketball with his friends* *brings everyone fresh lemonade and cookies while wearing booty shorts a crop top and wedges*

flash 9 is required to suck my dick

#*

officialannakendrick:

could you please put your crying kid on vibrate

shutupaubrey:

hi can you direct me to the nearest hospital


stability:

philwrir:

officialfrenchtoast:

INTENSE

ITS BACK

I’m bringing this back from the depths of hell

seifukucat:

welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. i’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and i just have to say i’m really disappointed

blu3hare:

sherlockismyholmesboy:

randomhouse:

When you see it…

it took three passes of this across my dash until I got it and want to throw my macbook out the fucking window

Are you fucking kidding me

bombing:

cop: who the hell ordered all these pizzas

me: you said i got one phone call

emmysaurus:

taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up? in thirty minutes? in 2 hours? in 7 years?? no one can be sure